CHEMISTS CURE HEROISM

Research robots have devised a microchip implant that will curb the hero instinct in humans. The anti-adrenalin treatment is said to prevent would-be saviors from entering burning buildings, diving into lakes to save the drowning and time-travelers returning to the past to prevent untimely deaths. 

TSUNAMI TEST SITE APPROVED

An ocean expanse in the mid-arctic has been approved for the test of an on-demand megawave stimulated by a submerged micro-nuclear detonation. “Recreation or war, our investors will decide,” said the CEO of Cowabunga, the company behind the tidal technology.

GRIM REAPER ROBOT GETS REPRIEVE

An AI undertaker has been reinstated after investigators proved its accidental collection and auto-autopsies of several humans were the result of malfeasance by a rival manufacturer of a similar machine. The Bring Out Yer Dead bot was remotely hacked by developers of the It’s Time Machine and re-programmed to assume that any supine human had passed away. 

MONEY NO OBJECT FOR ENGLISHMEN

London’s Royal Mint has announced that upon government orders its entire archive will be melted and made available for use by microchip manufacturers. “Except to a very select few, this is all just loose change,” read a government statement. 

REPETITION NOT TOTALLY STUPID, SAYS ALGORITHM

An algorithm has disproved the “definition of stupid” maxim by simulating a cat walking into a glass patio door for over a decade. On 267,897,7645th try, momentary planetary alignment disrupted Band Theory allowing the cat seamless passage to the garden. 

SO MUCH FOR THE SONIC YOUTH

The inaugural Human-Generated Audio Revival Festival was canceled after its founder, who planned to play CDs via live stream, was joined only by Broadcasting Standards Agency bots on his broadcast. “I’d heard young people were interested, but it turns out they were only in it for the t-shirts,” he said.

AUTO-AMPUTATORS MADE TO WAIT

People severing their own limbs in order to receive bionic replacements will have their requests placed on indefinite hiatus according to a new government ruling. “Cosmetic prosthetics have been made available in the meantime, but we can’t just hand out upgrades on demand” said an announcement. 

INFINITY DISPROVEN, NUMBERS REVERSE

The Infinity supercomputer built by students in the year 2018 has reached infinity and turned around. “An octillion and one was the turning point,” said a spokeshuman for the International Congress of Mathematicians.

PRISON OFFICERS SEIZE PAINT

Incarcerated artists in London’s Pentonville II Penitentiary were forced to hand over contraband art materials smuggled in via disused gas pipes. “They will stop at nothing to create disruptive images,” said a human prison warden.

I grit my teeth to say that a rudderless culture is as useful as cooking without a recipe, don’t you think? I’ve been told that the sinister forces of man that arose before the Third Great War were due to men and women alike desiring to be free without recipe, to be chefs without hats, to be cooks without a kitchen. And, to use a well worn trope, “to make an omelette in mid-air.”

It is true that the robot armies ran wild in Paris and that gave us pause for thought. But even after our costly victory, we allowed the great Seine to flood thrice before cars were abolished.

Martha Constantinopolos, (Cat Therapist, 45)

The dominant ideal for the last 30 years has been family sharing; through network apps like iCare and uFam it has become easier to share resources and raise children through digital communities.

However, what we’re seeing now is a reversion to the old-fashioned model of having two parents. The recovery of our forests in Old Europe over the last 30-40 years, the abundance of food and neutral green energy and the rise of currency-free city states mean necessity has given way to luxury; child bearers are excited to try the old romantic way again, even to use the old taboo word ‘love’.

Regina Rhinehorn (Social constructivist and counseller, 53) 

I am very old now, I was born in the year 2000 I believe, which would make me 132. As you know, people seem to think slavery is a thing of the past inflicted upon the Jews by the Egyptians and upon the Africans by the Europeans and colonialists… but to think now that in parts of the world, some pockets of the population have become enslaved by robotic tribes… it shames us and yet they should have seen it coming!

It shows that human nature has even corrupted the machine! It removes the moral burden of humanity somewhat from our mortal shoulders... but this is the catch: we have built these monsters and they are a mirror of ourselves, yet they will live eternally and we shall not. 

Christiana Knudsen (from the Sub Saharan Sun Belt, 132)

INTERVIEW WITH AN ANIMAL!

A reader submits their interspecies exchange.

Jeannette Maratime and her Andalusian Dachshund, Cinderella, both of the 5th arrondissement, discuss the day ahead. Verbatim translation provided by VICE Robotics.

Jeanette: How are you? 

Cinderella: I’m hungry

Jeanette: What do you want to do today?

Cinderella: I want an owner who is less condescending, if there’s anyone reading who wants to adopt me, please call. 

DAILY MEDITATION MANTRA

This free mantra is offered by The Oracle in solidarity with its readers affected by the Mindfulness For Money scandal.  

To be read in the tone of a teenage e-girl from Pasadena:You’re walking along a floating platform 

The hanging vines of the Paris gardens spill over marble-like braided red hair 

You observe the sacred architecture

You breathe through your nose and breathe out… deep