WEATHER REPORT 

Direct from The Oracle’s department of atmospheric sciences

Above ground: The Paris central thermostat will be set to 72 degrees fahrenheit today, 140 degrees beneath Global Actual Temperature (GAT). Moderate breezes will affect a 1-2 degree fluctuation across the city.

Amsterdam water levels are set to rise again today after further breaches in the sea wall. You can donate to the Emergency Sandbag Ballast Fund via the government’s online Acquired Empathy Program. 

Finland celebrated its wet season entering into its 32nd year by adding a flamingo to the national flag. 

Visibility in the Country Formerly Known As Spain remains at 0% due to ongoing sandstorms caused by artificial Sirocco wind testing in North Africa.

Below ground: Sea City iAtlantis is bracing for strong currents threatening to dislodge the settlement and push it 300KM north, risking collision with the White Coral City of Argentina. Emergency countercurrents are being siphoned from Hawaii. 

A steam valve operated by Palermo-based molten energy startup SunRah is leaking, causing increased temperatures throughout the Subterranean Sicilian Villages. Air wicking is being implemented across the region as SunRah attempts to prevent subsurface rainfall. 

The International Lava Canal is expected to reach record high temperatures this weekend as a coalition of energy companies based on the Isle of Scotland seek to stimulate flow past tantalum carbide girders recently installed to prevent the isle drifting north. Officials have warned that buildings with concrete foundations may experience warping.