RETROSPECTIVE JUSTICE REPORT

News

 This week, the following crimes were addressed by algorithmic investigation:

- Zimmerman, Robert (pka Bob Dylan); posthumously charged and convicted for the murder of Gray by gunshot, fleeing justice on a chestnut mare and absconding to Italy; signed confession discovered in form of poem.

- Mellor, Richard; absolved of 1988 bank robbery; algorithmic verdict decrees lack of opportunities for gainful employment provided by the presiding economic theory of the time excuses all instances of non-violent crime committed out of desperation. Testimony recovered from song written by son of the accused, Joe Strummer. 

- Hewson, Paul David (pka Bono); retrospectively convicted of one count of aural imposition and eleven counts of assault by audio. Charges relate to the unsolicited upload of the eleven track album Songs of Innocence on iPod streaming devices in 2014. 

- Bulsara, Farrokh (pka Freddie Mercury); convicted of murder by single gunshot on evidence of confession discovered in the song “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Confession corroborated by suspect’s mother.

- Jagger, Michael Phillip (pka Mick Jagger); awaiting trial after algorithmic examination confirms he is the devil. Offences too numerous to list include war crimes, high treason, sacrilege and the assassination of former US President John F. Kennedy.

- Johnson, Robert Leroy; charged with possession of a lethal weapon with intent. A .32-20 Winchester pistol was recovered during a routine inspection at his home in 1936 Mississippi. 

- Gustu Veritas -