NEW YORK CITY GETS NEW STILTS

The four-hundred-thousand white oak stilts that hold New York City above sea level have each been injected with a new epoxy resin formula that engineers hope will secure the Big Apple above rising tides for at least the next decade. 

The one-hundred-year-old wooden dowels were originally considered an emergency measure implemented after the Great Ice Cap Melt of 2032, which caused a ten meter rise in sea levels in six months, an environmental disaster that threatened to engulf the city.

Throughout the past century, many potential permanent solutions have been submitted - including an elaborate plan to suspend the city on spider-silk cables attached to hot air balloons - yet none have been approved by city officials.

In lieu of a viable long-term solution, and under increasing pressure from city residents who reported hearing suspicious creaking, Mayor Armand Burnquist deployed executive powers to commission the program to strengthen the existing stilts.

“They always say NYC has a special kind of energy, well, that energy requires foundational support,” said Frank Serpas, a seacarpenter and member of Local 697 who briefly emerged from the waves of the East River to speak to a reporter, before pinching his nose and plunging back into the frothy waves, epoxy gun in hand.

The maintenance is set to continue through the new year.