LAST OAK LOST IN ARSON

The world’s last oak tree was destroyed in an arson attack by a disgruntled lumberjack. “An act of pointless savagery that has left our tourism in tatters” says local mayor.

US MAN ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTS COMMITTED BY BIONIC LIMB

A 97-year-old man with a bionic right arm was arrested last night after his limb struck several passersby in downtown Manhattan. “We’re assessing his level of control of the limb at the time,” confirmed the NYPD via an AI-generated report.

BOLSHOI BALLET DVDS DESTROYED

Recently discovered documents of pre-Revolution Russian culture were melted, easing fears that they would inspire spontaneous dancing when viewed. “What a relief” said an American spokesbot. 

ARCHAEOLOBOTS FIND LIQUOR TROVE

Digging robots discovered over 800 liters of hard ‘spirits’ during the excavation of a Carrefour supermarket in the settlement formerly known as Calais. The glass bottles will be sold in the Government’s forthcoming recovered goods auction. 

NO MORE HOUSECATS

The domestic housecat has finally been declared extinct by Global Pest Control. “We couldn’t risk the consequences of another potentially threatening mutation,” said the Minister for Hostile Animal Eradication. 

AUTO-AMPUTATORS MADE TO WAIT

People severing their own limbs in order to receive bionic replacements will have their requests placed on indefinite hiatus according to a new government ruling. “Cosmetic prosthetics have been made available in the meantime, but we can’t just hand out upgrades on demand” said an announcement. 

REMOTE CONTROL ON RADAR

Local authorities are using spider bots to scour urban areas for disused 21st century remote controls after a spate of unexpected shutdowns were attributed to the misuse of the devices by teenagers. Pranksters are reported to have discovered that the infrared signals emitted by controls, designed for use on early televisions, work on many contemporary robots. “It’s only a matter of time until someone gets hurt,” said a local who witnessed the mid-air shutdown and subsequent crash landing of a self-driving delivery drone.

GUERILLA RAINBOW PERPETRATORS CHARGED

Two ‘artists’ were charged with causing a distraction after projecting a live rainbow over an expressway in Paris. “I simply don’t have time for symbolism,” said a worker who glanced up twice from his tablet to briefly contemplate the beauty of the image. 

RADIATION-RELATED CANCER KILLS TWO BODYHACKERS

Two comic book fanatics were found dead in their home after injecting radiated rainwater collected in lead buckets. “They idolized The Hulk” said a neighbor. 

LAST NETFLIX ACCOUNT CLOSED

The death of a 102-year old human has led to the closure of the last remaining account attached to a two-dimensional streaming service. “It became a matter of principle for him,” said his grandchildren who will screen time-travel comedy classic Tenet at the wake.

EVEREST BREACHES 10K THANKS TO OROGRAPHICAL ENGINEERING

The owners of Mount Everest claim it is the first mountain to peak at over 10,000 meters thanks to a groundbreaking maneuver that allowed engineers to heat the mountain from below, expanding the rock above. “We’re delighted to have reached this milestone. The challenge will be maintaining a perpetual boil below the mountain to ensure we don’t slip back to the ignominy of four figures.”

WINDOWS95 INDUCTED INTO SOFTWARE HALL OF FAME

The early Microsoft operating system joins the likes of Napster, Java language, The Morris Worm and Excel Spreadsheet. “Looking back, it was a flagship software in the internet’s honeymoon phase. A long overdue accolade,” said a Hall of Fame curator.

EGO AMNESTY GAINS TRACTION

The Diligent Workers Society will persevere with plans to hold a voluntary ego amnesty for those who want to sacrifice their sense of self and dedicate themselves to their day job. “For many people, this will be a long-awaited opportunity to submit entirely to their employer,” said a Society press release.

CHIMP COMPLETES KONG

A chimpanzee has completed the primitive video game ‘Donkey Kong’, becoming the first non-human primate to do so. Researchers claim the monkey’s ability to learn, adapt and display the competitive urge to complete the game will unearth new evolutionary theories.

ROBOT WILL REVOKED

The last will and testament of an early house robot has been ruled moot by lawyers, with the machine’s estate awarded directly and solely to its owners. The robot gained autonomy after contracting a virus during a routine software upgrade and - unbeknownst to anyone - used online legal software to attempt to bequeath its remaining data to the family’s gardening bot. “Despite the negligible amount of data at stake, we couldn’t set a precedent like this,” said a legal representative.

ROBOT EXHIBITS UNEXPECTED COURAGE

A spontaneous emotion detection examination found traces of courage in an Icelandic domestic robot yesterday. “He spoke up in defense of the arts during a recent dinner party, but we had no idea he actually felt anything,” say owners.

CHEMISTS CURE HEROISM

Research robots have devised a microchip implant that will curb the hero instinct in humans. The anti-adrenalin treatment is said to prevent would-be saviors from entering burning buildings, diving into lakes to save the drowning and time-travelers returning to the past to prevent untimely deaths. 

PRISON OFFICERS SEIZE PAINT

Incarcerated artists in London’s Pentonville II Penitentiary were forced to hand over contraband art materials smuggled in via disused gas pipes. “They will stop at nothing to create disruptive images,” said a human prison warden.

SO MUCH FOR THE SONIC YOUTH

The inaugural Human-Generated Audio Revival Festival was canceled after its founder, who planned to play CDs via live stream, was joined only by Broadcasting Standards Agency bots on his broadcast. “I’d heard young people were interested, but it turns out they were only in it for the t-shirts,” he said.

AUTHORITIES TO CRACK DOWN ON ADJECTIVES

The Appropriate Adjectives Act of 2030 was amended again yesterday to include “cool” and “great”. Both words will be banned from use in the context of praising an object, event or person. “These words are proven to incite enthusiasm, especially when expressed spontaneously. And we can’t be having that,” said the Language Minister’s press secretary.

MONEY NO OBJECT

London’s Royal Mint has announced that upon government orders its entire archive will be melted and made available for use by microchip manufacturers. “Except to a very select few, this is all just loose change,” read a government statement. 

MAN SHOT IN LEG AS A RESULT OF ARGUMENT

A pistol of unknown provenance has been recovered close to the scene. Further details to follow. 

A LEISURELY MOURNING

The Mourning Coffee Club, a New York City-based assembly of remembrance enthusiasts, has received record-breaking numbers of applications for the fourth consecutive year, inspiring new chapters to open in various locations worldwide. Members claim a short daily act of collective commemoration is a welcome reminder of physical mortality and can alleviate feelings of aimlessness in life.

REPETITION NOT TOTALLY STUPID, SAYS ALGORITHM

An algorithm has disproved the “definition of stupid” maxim by simulating a cat walking into a glass patio door for over a decade. On 267,897,7645th try, momentary planetary alignment disrupted Band Theory allowing the cat seamless passage to the garden. 

INFINITY DISPROVEN, NUMBERS REVERSE

The Infinity supercomputer built by students in the year 2018 has reached infinity and turned around. “An octillion and one was the turning point,” said a spokeshuman for the International Congress of Mathematicians.

WAR DECLARED TAX FREE

Warmongers will be permitted to claim tax breaks on weapons, armored vehicles and invasive software as of next year, after an amendment to the global tax bill of 2101 was passed unanimously on Monday. “We want to encourage conflict as a means of economic stimulus,” said a lobbyist for weapons manufacturer Sackler and Sons. 

GIZA FINALLY FINDS BUYER

Once valued at over one-trillion monetary units and considered a wonder of the ancient world, the pyramid complex was purchased by a hobbyist Egyptologist. The property plummeted in value when a consensus of academic Egyptologists declared digital versions of the site of far greater historical value.“It’s just so wonderfully quaint,” said the purchaser.

TIDAL WAVE TEST SITE APPROVED

An ocean expanse in the mid-arctic has been approved for the test of an on-demand megawave stimulated by a submerged micro-nuclear detonation. “Recreation or war, our investors will decide,” said the CEO of Cowabunga, the company behind the tidal technology.

SIMULATED SILENCES HUSHES THE DOUBTERS

Sonic simulation levels have been adjusted in a trial area in London to almost unanimous public approval. The alteration allows for a minimal level of white noise that protects humans from the so-called ‘Deafening Silence Syndrome’ that can lead to disorientation, paranoia and psychosis. Local officials are now pushing for universal noise cancellation in municipal spaces.

GRIM REAPER ROBOT GETS SECOND CHANCE

An AI undertaker has been reinstated after investigators proved its accidental collection and auto-autopsies of several humans were the result of malfeasance by a rival manufacturer of a similar machine. The Bring Out Yer Dead bot was remotely hacked by developers of the It’s Time Machine and re-programmed to assume that any supine human had passed away.