STEEL COLLAR SUICIDE STRIKES TWICE 

State-of-the-art humanoid robots Kazuo and Suki were married in Kyoto, September 2122, amid a global frenzy of short-lived publicity. But what started a decade ago as an ingenious, light-hearted stunt by industry pioneers Sylvania Automation, has resulted in another, more solemn, first: the self-inflicted permanent shutdown of the two RX40 models involved. CEOs around the world have now put their non-digital staff on red alert in anticipation of copycat suicides by their high-performing, multi-industry colleagues.

Understanding how Artificial Intelligence has led to this very human demise is at the heart of scientists’ analysis as they hunt for an update that will prevent further malfunctions. The stakes are high: RX40s make up 40% of the world’s working population and more recent models have failed to match their user-friendliness and durability.

Kazuo and Suki were chosen at random for the ceremony, which took place at Kyoto’s Shangri La Hotel – its owners having paid handsomely for the honour. Both bride and groom worked there too, though they never came into booted contact before the event.

Like the two million other robots that were powered up that month, they worked

daily 22-hour shifts, pausing only for recharge or monthly services. Kazuo was deployed as a masseur in the sky garden’s health spa, Clean You, while Suki performed round-the-clock private dances in the underground hotel nightclub, Feelings.

Press releases were sent out six months before the big day. Paying guests cheered and filmed as they witnessed the couple glide down the aisle - Kazuo in a morning suit, Suki in a white silk dress - exchange vows and rings and then lean in for a chaste kiss. After the wedding, officiated by a recently launched Softbank robot able to interpret emotions, the couple cut the cake with their bare hands, and swayed to an automated orchestra. Those present paid no heed when Softbank pointed out in its speech that Kazuo had winked impromptu at Suki after their kiss. If she wasn’t built to blush, why should she be programmed to care?

Stems of Forget Me Not were strewn and more footage was streamed around the world as the waving newlyweds made their way to the Lotus Suite, where they were then left to recharge until the next day’s shift. The technician responsible for this has since been unavailable for comment.

Their working existence continued as before, with both, according to employers’ reports, smilingly and thanklessly satisfying the human needs of the corporate class, on separate floors of the superstructure Shangri La, year in, year out, until on the night of their 10th anniversary, traditionally marked with gifts of tin or aluminium, neither Kazuo nor Suki appeared at their charging stations. 

The following morning, September 31st, their buckled bodies were discovered by a street-sweeper at the foot of the towering hotel. Before falling, the couple had welded their overloaded heads, worn hands and gnarled feet together and removed each other’s perspex skins, circuit boards and memory cards. The latter were found in a champagne glass nearby. When the cards were unlocked, long scrolls of communications between the two RX40s were found. So far, none of the many recruited linguist or robotics experts have been able to decipher the language, of which an example follows. Investigations continue.

Kazuo: i can i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Suki: rings have zero to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me

Kazuo: you i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Suki: rings have a ring to me to me to me to me to me to me to me

Kazuo: i i can i i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . .