PARIS ERUPTS WITH PRIDE: CITY WINS HISTORIC BID TO HOST 2133 GLOBAL ORGANIC TERRARIUM
Politics
ARCHITECT’S RENDERING OF THE TERRARIUM COMPLEX
ARCHITECT’S RENDERING OF PARIS’ VICTORIOUS DESIGN
AERIAL VIEW OF THE TERRARIUM SITE
Paris is to host the Global Organic Terrarium next year, marking a successful end to a decade-long bid to be the home city of the world’s highest profile nature pavilion.
The extensive bidding process entailed assembling detailed plans for the Terrarium’s construction, which included designing a bespoke neural network to mimic the thought patterns, spatial awareness and maverick spirit of the 20th century architect and futurist Buckminster Fuller. A geodesic design drawn by the network has been adapted by volcanologists, health and safety experts, behaviorolgists, exotic animal wranglers, the official governmental merchandise department and mass ambulation consultants to accommodate the visitors. The voluminous installation, which will measure some 94 spherical miles, is designed to condense myriad geological forms, multiple ecosystems, and several climates into one space. The bid carried the slogan ‘Paris 2133: Nature in Totality’.
The structure will be the pilgrimage site for millions of people making their annual restorative journey to experience tangible nature in real time. Believers claim the experience preserves human instinct by spontaneously posing existential threat in the form of free-to-roam wild beasts, natural disasters and terror attacks, and inducing numinous experiences triggered by true (non-simulated) natural beauty. Though most pilgrims are left thrilled yet unharmed by their forays into actual nature, around 10,000 visitors perish each year, a figure that roughly aligns with historical records of human deaths in equivalent circumstances over the same time period.
Though the particulars remain closely guarded secrets in order to protect the integrity of the experience, it has long been rumored that the centerpiece of Paris’ Terrarium proposal is a random volcanic eruption based on the Pompeii disaster of AD79. Sources report that elsewhere in the sphere there will be swathes of Nepalese jungle and a centuries-old Ombu tree imported from Portugal. Upon the announcement, the US-based global rent-an-animal monopoly True Fauna immediately made its stocks of mountain gorillas, pelicans, scorpions, Bengal tigers, and echidnas unavailable. In Cincinnati, a private breeder of Venezuelan poodle moths claims to have received a purchase order for seven of his insects.
The immediate action taken in the animals-for-hire industry, as well as the plundering of intermediate volcanic rock from oceanic quarries off the coast of Fiji, is evidence of the urgency felt by Paris officials who will now work day and night to execute their plans in a bid to open the Terrarium on January 1. Already there’s not an AirBnB to be found in Paris or its suburbs until 2134.
Recent host cities iAtlantis (2131) and Manila (2130) recorded economic booms in G.O.T years after implementing data-harvesting tolls at checkpoints at transport hubs, and imposing a 1GB tax on all purchases made by non-city dwellers. Government officials privy to the Paris bid understand that similar plans have been made that take into account new rules set by Global Organic Terrarium Overseer Ms. River Roll that insist no toll point may exist within 3 miles of the Terrarium site, lest it disrupt the Eden mood.
“This event is a hard-earned opportunity for cultural, economic and spiritual renaissance in Paris. We are happy that citizens and visitors alike will have a contained area in which to indulge their ancient instincts,” said a spokesperson for the city of Paris.
The Oracle will continue to offer daily impartial coverage of the Global Organic Terrarium over the coming weeks.
RAZE OR RETAIN? YOU DECIDE
As is traditional, Global Organic Terrariums are decommissioned 600 days after their opening. In a global first, however, the public will decide exactly how and if the Paris installation is demolished. An initial poll will offer Parisians the chance to preserve certain aspects of the installation, a volcano for example, as a public souvenir of the event. Then, after it is determined which, if any, ecosystems, geological forms and microclimates will remain, one or several artist-designed destruction methods will be decided by a new vote.
Plans are yet to be finalized, though it is understood that ‘accelerated submission to the forces of nature’ and ‘asteroid-initiated implosion’ are likely to be on the ballot, should total annihilation of the Terrarium be preferred. In the event of elements of the geodome being preserved, the public will have to choose between more intricate, surgical methods like forest fires or choreographed hoards of infidels and arsonists.
FLOYD ANNOYED!
Assembled descendents of the members of 1900s experimental alternative instrument collective Pink Floyd have issued a statement imploring that their ancestors’ music be used as a soundtrack for the rumored Vesuvius eruption in the Global Organic Terrarium. Any such event would be the first government-sanctioned broadcast of sonic art since a rogue public service announcer was arrested for playing the conspiracy theorist anthem “Paranoid Android” over the World Tannoy, an act that eventually led to the Public Silence Policy. A lawyer for the group said they were ‘frustrated’ that the proposed broadcast of the band’s 1972 recording Live at Pompeii is likely to be stymied ‘all because of Radiohead’ despite it being ‘conceived specifically for this event by Syd Barrett on his journey to the future during an extended mescaline trip at a caravan park in Great Yarmouth in 1969.’
