PHYSICAL PEOPLE OF OLD EUROPE PLAN TO SURVIVE POWER DRIVE

The Secretary of State for Weather confirmed today that an artificial hurricane would be scheduled to hit Old Western Europe, bringing to fruition the fears of residents whose homes are in its projected path. The high wind is an emergency strategy intended to ease the continent’s growing Watt Debt.

The decision comes as the worldwide solar energy deficit caused by the obscuration of the sun has forced governments across the globe to resort to drastic measures to produce alternative forms of energy. Should power supplies run out, servers that store the data fueling the global economy will fall under threat of shutting down, leaving governments forced to impose a mandatory data amnesty upon their citizens.  

The storm - Hurricane Joyce - will be directed through the Offshore Windfarm of the East Atlantic, which has been dormant since 2128, and will pass within three miles of the west coast of Ireland, posing an existential threat to historic communities built into the Cliffs of Moher and risking damage to settlements further inland. The local population have been offered expedited uploads to replica homes in The Cloud, but the government has so far refused to subsidize relocation to other physical communities in the region. 

Having been rendered obsolete by advances in solar energy and increased supercomputer efficiency, the OWEA was due for decommissioning next year. Now, however, it is set to be the subject of a controversial project that officials hope will provide enough power to keep major financial servers online until the sun returns and mirror amplified solar harvesting can continue.

“The economic power grid is in desperate need of stimulation,” read a government statement released yesterday evening, “Not since the days of the People’s Fossil Fuel Boycott have we seen such a serious threat to our nation’s most important drives. Hurricane Joyce is the most humane solution to a problem that simply cannot be solved by traditional algorithmic weather patterns.”

Cecilia Green, chairperson for the Fight for Physical People in Old Europe, refuted the government’s claims that a massive manufactured airflow was a last resort, “This is another thinly veiled attempt to force us into a digital existence. Time and again the government has made it clear they will stop at nothing to force us into The Cloud. As we have done before, we will batten down the hatches and brace ourselves. Faced with the choice between being uploaded or swept away, we will go the way the wind blows.”

Earlier this year, a tidal surge was ordered on the River Nile, yielding billions of Gigawatts of Hydropower via the Aswan Dam. In February, Lake Baikal was drained as scientists attempted to harness kinetic energy from seismic activity on the Eurasian rift. Both energy relief efforts caused catastrophic damage to local ecosystems, though there were no recorded human tragedies.