THE MAKING OF THE OCEANIC ATOM BOMB

 Off the coast of Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard, a strange phenomenon has developed.

With the recent easing of off-shore fishing due to the increased popularity of digestible plastic fish, and a freak spike in the evolutionary brain capacity of sea mammals due to nuclear waste spillage into the Atlantic, an army of dolphins and whales have banded together to develop a nuclear weapon. Frequent, possibly targeted, deployments of the aquatic exploding device have disrupted all sailing and shipping activity in that great ocean for the past 12 months.  

Undercover scientist Leo Finnegan spent three months in the region disguised as a great white shark in order to identify the perpetrators of the explosions and deduce their method. In the course of his investigation he has discovered, and witnessed the creation of, the ‘Aquatic Bomb’ that has so plagued naval activity over the last year. He shares his findings exclusively with The Oracle.

“They start by chasing a school of tightly packed sardines, maybe 6000 at a time, into a focused point that they seal off with a patrol of male dolphins that encircle the tiny fish. Then, the female dolphins gather vast reams of seaweed which they begin to wrap around the cornered sardines, trapping them in a swirling column of algae while leaving only a small opening at the top - a potential escape hatch for the sardines that goes unnoticed as they are whipped into an ever tighter frenzy.

Meanwhile, whales proceed to carry one of the millions of dumped nuclear canisters from the ocean bed to squeeze into this small opening, which is then swiftly woven closed by the pod of seaweed-sewing dolphins. Thus, a nuclear pressure cooker is created, floating just below the ocean’s surface, waiting for a passing ship to trigger the devastating explosion.” - Leo Finnegan

Radar searches estimate there to be 20,000 or so such bombs currently lining the Atlantic American coast, preventing all cross-Atlantic sailing over the last year and vexing bomb disposal experts, who’ve found traditional nuclear neutralization techniques ineffective underwater. 

“This explains all the fish guts in the immediate aftermath,” says New York Mayor Armand Burnquist, one of few survivors of such an explosion after his yacht, Knickerbocker XI, was blown to smithereens during his annual leave late last year.