OBJECTIVE TRUTH: UNDISPUTED INFO SELLS FOR RECORD PRICE

The last dated instance of undisputed data sold at auction yesterday for a record 72EB. The information - the unequivocal and uncontested report that it was in fact 59.6 degrees Fahrenheit in downtown Toronto at 6.34AM on Tuesday 11th October 2033 -vwas recorded by New York University Meteorologists and will remain on disk at the school’s historic Manhattan campus, as per the wishes of its new owner.

The anonymous buyer outbid fierce competition from a diverse field of would-be purchasers that included several climate preservation foundations and the holographic rock-legend-turned-data-collector John Lennon. The acquisition of the data by private hands is likely to cause uproar among information and climate activists.

Canada’s foremost ethical data collective, the High Moon Institute, is anticipated to mount a legal campaign that claims the temperature recording is the property of the Canadian people, invalidating its sale by NYU. The Institute is also thought to have been one of the high-bidders priced out in the dying seconds of the auction.

‘The fear is that this information will eventually be removed from the public domain and lose its context,’ said J. Peabody, a spokesperson for Canadians for Statistical Integrity, a High Moon-affiliated non-profit that fights to preserve universal metrics for environmental and economic data,

‘After a short time on display in a museum-like setting, it might well be considered a frivolous and antiquated novelty, when really it is empirical evidence of a recent past in which Canadians could comfortably spend time outside. That evidence surely belongs to those of us who have been robbed of that privilege.’

While popular opinion errs toward demanding that the data remain available to the public at will, in truth, its rapidly rising value means it was always destined for private hands. For now, though, the piece will remain at NYU. ‘We are delighted that the sale will enable us to fund another year of study at NYU,’ announced a university spokesbot this morning, ‘it is only thanks to the benevolence of its new owner that the Toronto Set will remain part of daily life and constant source of inspiration for the students who will define the future of data collection. Not only is this information emblematic of a moment in history when data was on the cusp of becoming the first truly universal currency, but it is also evidence of a time when we could all agree on something as simple as how cold it was at a specific time. There is still much to be learned from this rudimentary set of numbers.’

Undisputed truths have become highly sought after in recent months after new research revealed that, in addition to its perceived historical import, such information has a proven calming effect on the psyche. The sale also affirms popular predictions by data algorithms that the value of information recorded in the final years of the objective era will continue to hold its value in a volatile post-truth economy. 

The 72EB paid for the Toronto Set will surely remain a record price for only a matter of days as the final football scores of the objective era go under the gavel at Sotheby’s Grand Digital Sale this coming Friday. The results, which include Forest Green Rovers’ famous title-clinching 3-0 win against Manchester United, are estimated to be worth in excess of 237EB.